Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
handjob tips. give me some.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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