I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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