all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
