I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Randomize
