If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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