saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
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