why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Randomize
