So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
