girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
