Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
