I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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