Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
