I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
