You're my little dorito
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
