I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
