A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
