omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
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He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
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I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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