my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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