Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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