lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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