I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
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