i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
