What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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