I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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