she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
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Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
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Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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