Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
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I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
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Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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