I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
you inspire me to be a worse person
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
