I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
