So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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