My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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