how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Your cock deserves a montage
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
