i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
