I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
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