When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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