Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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