I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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