i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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