Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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