you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
