he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
