he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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