More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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