His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
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looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
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You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.