hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
