i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers