ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
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