he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave