My brain says no but my pants say off.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
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