were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
