after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
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