The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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