No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
where are you?
Hypothermia
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
