It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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