woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
