So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Two words: blizzard sex
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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