did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
