Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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