Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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