Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
